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Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"

"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbour was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat!"

A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take.

He knows that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.

The store owner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale."

The collector says "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."

And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.

The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."

And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."

1. Couldn't muster up sufficient disdain if all nine lives depended on it!
2. Teeth and claw marks all over your now-empty bottles of Prozac.
3. No longer licks paws clean, but washes them at the sink again and again and again...
4. Doesn't get Garfield, but laughs like hell at Marmaduke.
5. You realize one day that the urine stains on the carpet actually form the letters N-E-E-D T-H-E-R-A-P-Y
6. Has built a shrine to Andrew Lloyd Webber entirely out of empty "9 Lives" cans.
7. Spends all day in litter box separating the green chlorophyll granules from the plain white ones.
8. Your stereo is missing, and in the corner you find a pawn ticket and 2 kilos of catnip.